“I know what it feels like to be a parent now,” my oldest daughter told me after watching her youngest sister deliver a chorus solo during the school’s winter concert. “I was so nervous,” she added.
Anxiety, nervousness and fear are three of the most nerve-wracking aspects of parenting – if not life in general. If we’re lucky they exist in a low hum in the background as we move about our days. Other times, they are front and center, all consuming.
They impact not only our own mental health but also those who we project our fears onto – in small but noticeable ways. In one study, parents were found to be four times more likely to tell girls to be more careful than boys. As Pamela Paul points out in her latest New York Times column, this type of behavior can contribute to a larger societal narrative that undermines the power of women.
But this is not limited to any one gender. Often people who grow up in poverty, as I did, develop a natural risk aversion. Feeling safer to hold on to what we have rather than taking a risk with more upside. We feel like imposters so we don’t assert ourselves in certain situations. We can be less likely to ask for help for fear of rejection or feeling that we don’t deserve it.
I can point to many times in my life where fear and anxiety kept me from taking a chance that looking back probably would have paid off.
Which is why it is so critical that we show our belief and confidence in others. To paraphrase Bette Midler, to be “the wind beneath their wings.”
Of course, there will always be things we are afraid of for ourselves and those we love. It is natural and instinctive and there is plenty in the world to be legitimately afraid of. At the same time, we often overestimate the risk and underestimate their resilience. We will all fail. We will all make bad decisions. We will all get hurt.
At the same time, we get up. We learn. We heal. And of course, we succeed.
My youngest daughter nailed her solo. It was just a few lines from Billie Eilish’s Ocean Eyes – which itself is a song about the fears of falling in love.
Later that night, I responded to her sister’s comments of feeling like a parent and the nervousness that had overcome her. Saying, “Yes, it was nerve wracking. But it was beautiful, right? And doesn’t that feel wonderful and make you proud? That’s another part of feeling like a parent.”
As the holiday gift giving season rolls around and we celebrate our various beliefs and faith, remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person is your faith and belief in them – even if that makes you a little nervous.
This Week’s Recommendation/Request: In the spirit of this week’s post, I can be very reluctant to tout my own wares and request support. At the same time, if an author wants to continue to write more books, they have to sell them. If you haven’t already bought a copy of America’s Dreaming, please consider doing so and leaving a review on Amazon. The holiday season is huge for children’s books and reviews matter. Along the same lines, my next book, America Gives Thanks is now available for pre-sale, which is critical for booksellers as they consider what to stock on their shelves. Any support would be greatly appreciated.
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