Over the last several months, I’ve confided in a handful of family and friends about some challenges I’ve been facing. Without fail, they were supportive; listening with care and offering wise perspective
A few days ago, however, I realized that with a few expectations, most have never followed up to check in and see how I was doing. Asking if things had gotten better or if I wanted to talk.
As things have improved and I am doing relatively ok, I was reflecting more out of curiosity than criticism. Each and every person I confided in is a wonderful and caring human being who I’ve known for many years. Yet I hadn’t heard from them after our initial heartfelt conversation. In some cases, there were even exchanges and conversations about other things and yet never – “Hey how are things going with….?”
I reflected on my own behavior and noticed that I did the same thing. Not following up as frequently as I would have liked with a family member who was sick or a friend looking for work.
In trying to understand why, my only theory was proximity – the classic “out of sight, out of mind.”
If you think back on your life, there are likely people you used to see every day at school, at an old job or from an old neighborhood. Maybe you’ve moved away from where you’ve grown up or relocated for a job. Perhaps there is another subset of people who still live near you but you don’t see as much because your kids aren’t on the same team anymore or one of you stopped doing x or y activity. Now you’re more likely to see or hear from them via a social media post.
In my own life, I have friends from growing up, from college, from my days in the city, from work and where I live now. My mom, siblings and nephews all live four hours away. When I think of them all, I do so with fondness and love. Our shared memories bring a smile to my face. I am, without a doubt, who I am because of these relationships.
While in most cases, we are no longer close geographically, they are an instant away via text, call or Facetime. But how often do I check in?
Checking-in serves multiple purposes. Most of us are dealing with one thing or another. In some cases, the benefit of checking in could have a tangible result – like a piece of sound advice, a recommended resource, a job connection. Beyond this, knowing someone out there is thinking about us and cares enough to see how we’re doing is invaluable in almost every case.
Similarly, the person who is checking in on someone else also feels better – even if we ourselves are feeling down.
Finally, checking in doesn’t always have to be driven by a sense of concern. Checking in with an old friend or family member could lead to some new laughs or a good story.
It is cliche to say that we all live busy lives and are caught up or dealing with our own stuff. This is of course true. That truth is what makes it a cliche. But it is not a particularly good excuse and is pretty self defeating.
When we feel connected, the world slows down just a bit and our burdens feel a little lighter. In short, we feel closer and more in touch with each other and ourselves.
As fate would have it, after landing on this subject, I received an email from a friend and former colleague. The subject line. “Check-In” brought a smile to my face. The check-in happened a few days later.
This Week’s Recommendation: Check-in with someone. As today is Memorial Day, perhaps start with someone who served our country or lost someone close to them in service. Imagine if you just checked-in with one or two people a week. How rich we’d all be.
Share this email with someone you’ve been meaning to check in with.