My wife and I have been watching the show, The Pitt lately. Each episode covers one hour of a twelve hour shift in an emergency room in a Pittsburgh hospital. The show is tremendous in every way; full of humanity and dignity.
One storyline focused on a pair of siblings trying to do what’s right by their father who is dying. At some point to help them cope with this incredibly difficult situation, the doctor introduces them to the Hawaiian concept of Ho’oponopono. It is suggested as a means to find closure in saying goodbye to their father. It is built around the simple mantra of telling your loved one that you love them, you are grateful for them, you are sorry for any wrongdoing and that you are seeking and giving forgiveness.
Watching each sibling practice this ritual and share their feelings with their father was simultaneously heartbreaking and beautiful.
When their father eventually dies, the siblings look at each other. Their loss is palpable and for a moment they seem lost themselves. The doctor recognizes this and says, “You are the primary relationship now. You are the holder of memories.”
While this scene centered around the loss of a relationship, it seemed to me a reminder of the primacy of all our relationships.
It should not require us to wait until our deathbed to resolve our feelings towards another. Or to have loss be the catalyst for appreciating our interdependence or the value of shared memories.
After the episode, I wanted to learn more about Ho’oponopono and discovered that it is not a ritual reserved for farewells. Rather it is a practice of reconciliation and healing to be practiced whenever necessary. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you;” a collection of words so simple yet sometimes so hard.
It made me recall the Trace Chapman song, “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight.”The first three verses begin with “Sorry, Forgive Me and I Love You,” followed by the phrase, “words that you can’t say.”
I’m not sure if Chapman’s lyrics were inspired by Ho’oponopono but we should be. There is too much conflict in the world to let it fester in our own homes, families or neighborhoods. Resolving conflict and sharing difficult feelings is hard but is it harder than holding on to them?
Recommendation of the Week. Watch The Pitt. There are a lot worse things to do with your time than spending an hour watching people help others.
Consider sharing this with someone who could benefit from a little Ho’oponopono.