With the celebrations and conventions of Valentine’s Day behind us, a few words on love.
It is interesting to note that although I have written these notes every week for almost ten years, I’ve never written one exclusively focused on what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. referred to as the “most durable power in the world.” It is a surprising omission. After all, what could possibly help us move up in life more than love?
Perhaps it is a reflection of my complicated relationship with the subject.
Valentine’s Day is awash in all the chocolate, flowers, and dinner dates. Cards are filled with sweet words and beautiful images reflecting the awesomeness of this feeling in its best and brightest light. It is wonderful that we choose to set aside a day to celebrate love in all its forms and glory. And while I share these sentiments and celebrations with my loved ones, love has been more hard earned on my end. My heart closed as much as it had been open.
Yes love is patient and love is kind. But love can also be frustrating and love can be a grind. Love is a complicated emotion. As this video shares, while love produces elevated levels of dopamine that stimulate and reward us, it also produces elevated levels of stress inducing cortisol and lowers our levels of serotonin, leading to moments of anxiety.
Beyond biology is the obvious fact that the difficulties of life challenge our capacity to love. We are asked to love our enemies, which even under the best of circumstances can be challenging, let alone during more trying times. We love our family unconditionally, yet even these bonds can be strained. Choosing love means making hard, even impossible choices. It requires incredible perseverance, tolerance and perhaps most importantly acceptance.
As Walt Whitman famously wrote, “We contain multitudes.” We are all things at once. None of us are perfect or really fine. Trying to manage or blend the complexities of our personality, actions, strengths and weaknesses in real time. Accepting the messiness of someone is a requirement. We can’t love a part of someone, we must love all of them or none at all.
The same applies to ourselves. Self-love is perhaps the hardest love of all. We would never talk to someone, the way we often talk to ourselves. Doubting our actions, intentions. Picking at our appearance, perhaps even hating a part of ourselves.
I have come to love gradually and then all at once. When young, rejections and a million heartbreaks left me jaded and mistrustful. I love my mother and siblings unconditionally as our heartbreaks were often shared and yet they still sacrificed on my behalf. I made many wonderful and close friends along the way – and while I love them all – have only uttered those words to a chosen few. I have a wonderful wife – beautiful in almost every way – who does her best to accept my brokenness and I hers. Our love is forged by loss and the miracle of its overcoming.
But it was the birth of my children that cracked my heart wide open. I am so blessed to have three amazing and extraordinary daughters. I love them so deeply. The aforementioned chemicals of dopamine, serotonin and cortisol combine to create a delicious and devastating cocktail of unbelievable highs and gut-wrenching lows. Like most parents, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. If only it were easy figuring out what the right thing to do is. As someone who grew up without the love of a father, making sure they know they are loved completely – exactly as they are and without condition – is my life’s priority.
And then there is myself. Like many, I am my own harshest critic. Friends will often tell me not to be so hard on myself. I set incredibly high expectations for myself and spend more time lamenting my failures than celebrating my achievements. It has been quite the journey to accept my own limitations. To like, let alone, love myself. To accept that I belong where I am and deserve what I have received. That I am not an imposter, but an imperfect human being filled with contradictions, strengths and weaknesses. To embrace or accept every part of myself. Someone worthy of love – not just from others – but from myself. So my apologies, in advance, for channeling my inner Stuart Smiley, but sometimes things just need to be said – regardless of how corny they may sound. I love you, Bob. Happy belated Valentine’s Day and love to you all.
Recommendation of the Week. Share some post Valentine’s Day love – with yourself. Treat yourself to something grand this week.
Consider sharing this with someone you love.