I don’t know where it comes from and it can be overwhelming.
I wear many, many hats. With each one of them comes a certain amount of joy and responsibility. At any given time, I feel as if I am likely failing in one capacity or another, sometimes more.
This potential failure is a threat to my ego. My sense of self as someone who is high achieving or “can do it all.”
Recently my oldest daughter asked me to help her study for her Psychology quiz. The topic was defense mechanisms – those tactics we employ when we feel threatened or pressured. They include displacement, denial, repression, sublimation, projection, intellectualization, regression, reaction formation.
I recognized myself in each of them. When feeling pressure I will yell at my dog (displacement), tell my wife I’m fine (denial), intellectualization (make lists and plans to get everything done), regression (drinking or eating awful foods), and sublimation (going for a drive to clear my head or out to see a movie.)
Some of these are healthier and more helpful than others. But none seem to address the root causes. Why am I putting so much pressure on myself and where is it coming from?
Often when I feel the pressure mount, it will sneak up on me. I’ll be walking down the street and remember something that I “need” to do. Unconsciously, I’ll either let out a grunt of frustration or utter an expletive out loud. Somehow this is helpful.
Sometimes the pressure will mount to the point where I feel like I could crack. All the other defense mechanisms have failed. It is then when I do what I probably should have done in the first place – talk to someone about it. Sometimes it’s my wife, sometimes a friend. Most often it is my oldest friend who knows me and my history of hangups more than anyone. These conversations are incredibly helpful. They recalibrate my emotions. The pressure eases with each word that comes out of my mouth – or his. It’s less about letting off steam and more about taking the teapot off the stove all together.
There is a common refrain in many of these conversations. He tells me “You are being too hard on yourself and you always have.” “You are your own harshest critic.”
And he is right. I have always been hard on myself. Bitten off more than I can chew. Set unrealistic goals – that I sometimes if not often manage to meet. People will often tell me “I don’t know how you do it all.” It’s intended as a remark of admiration but can sometimes just add more pressure to keep it all up.
When I do fall short – as a father, husband, friend, son, brother, uncle, provider, teacher, coach, writer, podcast host, or consultant, it is a blow to my sense of self and my ego. I cannot help feeling like I am letting myself and others down.
Except, as I am reminded in these conversations, I am not. It is like most things – in my own head.
Pressure in the material world is defined as “the physical force exerted on an object.” In our minds the forces we exert on ourselves include, high standards, perfectionism, fear of failure or judgment, external influences, self-worth, validation, perceived lack of control, pursuit of passions, and a need to live up to expectations.
This is a good article about how best to relieve some of that pressure. Chief among the suggested practices are self-care and self-compassion. In other words, find ways to not be so hard on yourself.
Talking with someone who cares about us is often a helpful reminder that we matter for who we are not what we do or accomplish. They remind me of my own history in overcoming challenges before and help me put this pressure in perspective. They accept and love me unconditionally – regardless of whether I am living up to any expectations I set for myself. They help me take care of myself.
It is this caring that provides the opposite of pressure – calm, assurance and ease.
Invariably the pressure will build again and that’s ok I guess. As long as we continue to find healthy ways to manage it – including talking to someone who can help us move that teapot off the burner.
Recommendation this week. Be kind to yourself and talk to someone who will remind you of how much you matter and are loved just for being you.
Consider sharing this with a friend who may be too hard on themselves.