At lunch on Tuesday, I received an email from Ethan Hawke’s agent. They were passing on the screenplay I pitched to them.
After dinner that same night, I received an email from a literary agent. They were passing on a non-fiction book proposal I had shared.
Passing is a kinder, more gentle term for rejection. Yet it still stings all the same. The number of times someone has passed on a project, proposal, pitch, or offer I’ve shared is innumerable. You would think that at some point you would stop putting yourself out there or become numb to it. Of course you don’t.
Passing is something that not only happens professionally – when searching for a job or opportunity – but personally as well. Friends pass on grabbing drinks. Your kids pass on hanging out. Even your partner passes on your idea of fun for an evening.
People pass on things all the time. We’re busy. We are tired. We are not in the mood. What you’re offering just doesn’t feel right at that time.
Some link passing to the idea of scarcity. After all, Hawke can only make so many films. Agents can only represent so many clients. The job opening is for one person even if a thousand qualified people apply.
This can create a spirit of competitiveness. People decline making a connection for someone else, fearing they may need to call in that favor at another time. We don’t pass on information we have that might be useful to another, hoarding the advantage to ourselves.
Scarcity is real in many situations but overstated in others. Often there is an abundance of options out there. So many new ways to get you, your work and words out into the world.
This often involves a different type of passing. One centered on cooperation.
In between the two “passes” noted above. I opened my mailbox to find an envelope with a return address of “The Supreme Court of the United States.” Inside was a letter from Justice Sonia Sotomayor, sharing her gratitude and some kind words about my book, America Gives Thanks. I had passed on a copy to a bookseller at Politics & Prose to give to her as she was doing an event there a few days after mine. Someone had passed on my contact information to her so she could send the letter – which of course was a salve for the sting of rejection I had felt earlier.
After I finish writing this, I will be passing on my book proposal to another agent, whose contact information and endorsement was passed on to me from an author whom she represents.
People have passed on my offers countless times, but at the same time I have been blessed countless times by people passing for or to me – sharing opportunities, information and connections. Yet I don’t always stop to consider this when the rejection sting is still fresh.
I try to be more conscious of my own passing. Making sure that my own ledger has more in the column for “Yes” than “No” or “Not right now.” Increasingly I realize how important passing to or for is – not just for others but also for my own spirit.
Perhaps it’s instructive to note that Lebron James has missed more shots than anyone in NBA history and is also among the NBA leaders in assists. In other words, he still keeps taking shots despite all those misses while still being generous in passing to others.
Thanks to all those who have passed for me and please let me know if there is anything I can pass on for you.
In the meantime, let us all keep putting good things out there for ourselves and others.
Recommendation for the Week: Jane Goodall passed this week. In her 91 years on Earth, she passed on so many wonderful things, none perhaps more important than hope. Consider checking out her documentary: Jane Goodall: Reasons for Hope.
Please consider passing this on.