Last week, I enjoyed the surprisingly moving, new Marvel movie, Thunderbolts. It features a ragtag group of superheroes, united by their conflicted pasts. The primary villain in the movie – as I see it – is shame. Shame is not the name of a specific villain but a feeling that debilitates all of us – even superheroes with otherworldly powers. In the film, shame’s specter envelops those it touches – both literally and figuratively. Sending people to the darkest places within their minds.
This may sound strange – even by comic book standards – but it was surprisingly poignant. Particularly because in several cases the feelings of shame were the result of acts from the character’s childhood.
Shame is a form of self-punishment. It is as if our self is split in two. One which looks down in judgement upon the other.
The extent to which any one of us is “shame-prone” varies from person to person. Some seem incapable of feeling shame – even when doing despicable acts. Narcissists for example feel little shame. Others feel shame often – even for relatively minor things. This can contribute to low self-worth and anxiety. Fear of always failing themselves or others.
Shame has a purpose. Darwin wrote about its evolutionary origins. Avoiding doing shameful things was important if you wanted to stay in good stead with your tribe or group – which was critical to your survival.
Of course, what can seem shameful for one tribe can actually be applauded by others. Shame is relative in that way.
When young, I felt some shame related to what we did not have or could not afford. I also felt it for the help we had to accept and for things I did. I see some of my students feeling similarly and want to shake them out if it – like this scene in Good Will Hunting, where Robin William’s character repeatedly says to Will – played by Matt Damon – “It’s not your fault.”
While shame is a form of self-punishment, it is also a verb. We weaponize shame to make others feel less than. To make them feel small. Shame manifests itself physically with down turned eyes and self-silencing. Others make us feel small, so we act small as a result.
In the movie, the Thunderbolts (whose own name has a shameful – albeit humorous origin) defeat shame not through brawn or brains but through a surprising act of collective compassion. It is perhaps the most heroic act I’ve seen in the many super heroes movies I’ve seen in my lifetime. It is also one all of us mere mortals are capable of. Scroll down to the bottom of the post if you want to find out – or better yet, go see the movie and be kind to yourself.
This Week’s Recommendation: Last week, we held our first Social Mobility Lab Summit at City College. The Lab, which I direct, aims to discover new ways to accelerate and expand opportunity for our students, their families, and the communities they represent. If you want to learn more about the Lab, you can get a quick overview beginning at the six and a half minute mark of this video of the event. But more importantly if you want to see why we do this work, skip to the nineteen minute mark and hear two powerful essays from students who bravely share their stories.
Consider sharing this with someone who might be a little too hard on themselves sometimes.
Spoiler: What is the heroic act? A hug. Trust me, it’s pretty powerful to watch.